Seeing as how Victor Gischler has insisted upon perpetuating the myth that his interview series is the worst (though hosting Jason Starr was pretty dang close), I will step up to the plate once again to prove him wrong. My last subject, Dave White, was indeed a pretty bad interview, but little did I know that the great state of New Jersey held one even worse. Pat Lambe does something with telephones that involves unions I’m sure and every once in a while gets together with other Jersey characters. Occassionally he writes a story and has enough dirt on an editor to get them to publish it. To avoid accidentally having a good interview, I didn’t create any new questions for Mr. Lambe. I sent him him the same questions I sent Mr. White except one bonus questions at the end.

BQ:What’s the worst rejection you ever received?

PL:I was in a band in the early eighties, and we put out an album called Shark Sandwich. One review replaced Shark with a four letter word and….. wait a second, that wasn’t me. Actually I haven’t received my worst rejection yet, but I have a feeling it could be coming if I ever get a chance to pursue the answer I give in question 5 of this very interview.

BQ:So you’re kinda ticked you missed Bouchercon this year aren’t you?

PL:I was there. I met you; or someone claiming to be you. I distinctly remember getting stuck with several large bar tabs.

BQ:You’ve written mainly short stories so far but I understand you are working on a novel. Tell us a little about it and whether shorter or longer is better.

PL:I just finished the first draft of my third novel. It’s called ‘Not Quite Bestiality’. It’s about a loan shark who gets inadvertently involved in sadomasochism. Would you buy a book called ‘Not Quite Bestiality’? I probably wouldn’t, and I wrote it myself.

I hope shorter is better, I’m Irish after all.

BQ:What’s the one novel you’re really glad you didn’t write?

PL:Anything by Marcel Proust. I mean to go on and on about all the petty little details. And in French. At least he wrote in bed. I could get into that.

BQ:If you could date any mystery writer who would it be?

PL:Probably Tara Moss. Can you set us up? Tell her I really know how to please a woman. (And it’s not by leaving the room)

BQ:In a Jersey turf fight, who would win between you and Pat Lambe?

PL:I wrestle with myself every night, sometimes twice, and not just physically. And I have yet to win.

BQ:What’s your favorite Jersey corruption story?

PL:There’s so many it’s hard to pick. Here’s one I heard this week. Animal control officers were called to check out some cows that were acting weird in North Jersey. The initial diagnosis was mad cow disease, a potential huge blow to the thriving New Jersey beef industry. Upon closer inspection, the investigators found that a local brewery was spilling their bad batches of beer into a local stream. The cows were as drunk as the guy claiming to be you and me at Bouchercon.

BQ:Where’s the worst place you’ve ever written anything?

PL:I once drank so much I wrote a chapter of a book in the snow. You can imagine what I used for a writing instrument.

BQ:Do you ever want to hit the stupid little kids you teach?

PL:I don’t teach kids, I install telephones and telephone accesories. Were you listening to show tunes too loudly when you composed these questions?

BQ:Weasels or Lemurs?

PL:That all depends on the anatomy of Lemurs. Do they have opposable thumbs? If they do they get my vote out of fear. I’m terrified of anything with opposable thumbs: monkeys, raccoons, people, Tara Moss. On the other hand, if they don’t have opposable thumbs I would go for weasels. I know for a fact weasels lack opposable thumbs, just like nature’s other clowns: pigs, dogs, el chupacabra, Charlie Stella.

Bonus Question: At one point you had a webcam going of the biggest freaking spider I’ve ever seen that was living in your sink. How’s that working out for you?

PL:Unfortunatly the spider’s contract came up and he got a high priced agent who wanted more than I was willing to give. We played hard ball, and I lost. I replaced the spider with a cockroach who talked with a lisp, but I think we may have jumped the shark.

Visit Pat at www.patlambe.com