Flaws and Effect

I’ve always been hyper-analytically of myself and my actions and my personality and this certainly is true of my numerous flaws. And while I think it’s certainly honorable of me to admit my flaws and to criticize myself for them, I can’t say I ever have any plans to attempt to fix those flaws.

Personally I think my chief flaw is selfishness. Professionally though, I have a raging jealousy problem. I’ve come to terms with it and have actually made some minimal effort to control it mostly for my own sanity. But it’s heart still beats in my soul very loudly. It really only manifests itself in my writing career. In my regular life I don’t care what other people have. I’m happy with what I’ve got, it’s more than my parents had at my age, and I don’t want anyone else’s life (except occasionally an alternate version of my own life when I start wondering “what if’). But man, professionally it’s rough.

And it dawned on me yesterday with all of the tributes to Nora Ephron that this is to blame for why I don’t get as excited about my blog as I used to. When I have a great idea here or a cool essay or an interesting point of view on a topic in the larger literature conversation I want to be writing about it somewhere else like The New Yorker or Slate or The Huffington Post. I realize I’ve done nothing professionally to earn a spot in those pages but that doesn’t make me feel any better. In the absence of a national media outlet for my opinions I think a close second would be this blog but with a huge audience like John Scalzi has. I love how when anything major happens in his areas of influence such as politics or technology or publishing, his fans flock to his blog to see what he has to say on the issue. Again, I have done nothing to earn that level of readership and frankly I’m shocked and pleased at how large the readership I do have is considering the numerous posts like this one that basically insult you all for not being important enough.

But even without a large audience or flashy guest spot on the Mulholland Books website I’m still vain enough to believe my thoughts and opinions deserve an audience so I come back here to open mic night at the WordPress cafe and hope just once somebody important will be in the audience and will see the obvious genius in my work and whisk me away from you people.