Men and Spam

The weekend started off masculine enough.

On Friday I went with about 10 other guys down to Detroit for a friend’s bachelor party. We had some nice male bonding over exotic grub at the Big Buck Brewery and then it was off to Comerica Park to watch the Tigers beat the Orioles. After the game we headed back to Big Buck and played pool and generally made fools of ourselves during their 10pm-12am Happy Hour.

Saturday I stuck around my parents house for the evening and watched the Pistons dominate the Miami Heat in Game Six of the NBA Eastern Conference finals. I don’t have cable or air conditioning and my parents have both so it was a pleasant night all around.

Sunday I grilled at the beach with a friend of mine and soaked up sun in the form of patchy red spot that made me look more like a farmer or white trash sun god than any sort of tan human being. My friend cooked herself good in baby oil. That evening it got stifling hot in my smelly, rundown, air-conditioning free, apartment so I went and crashed at Borders until they closed at 9pm then went home again and watched the Tony Awards with both windows open and a fan going. I missed the show numbers from Monty Python’s Spamalot because I couldn’t deal with the heat anymore and had to go take an ice cold shower to suck the heat from my lobster-like coloring. After one of the more painful showering experiences since summer camp, I felt a little cooler and managed not to boil to death.

Broadway started off flat this year, but toward the middle of the season things heated up with the monster hit Spamalot and several well attended revivals and new plays bringing ticket sales to a level higher than last year at somewhere near $223 million I think. I miss the theater scene in New York. While I was never involved in any actual productions I saw lots of shows at ridiculously cheap prices. I met lots of interesting people waiting in long lines for cheap show tickets. And this season there seems to be plenty I would have enjoyed. Toward the beginning of the season I was a little disappointed to see that most of the musicals were nothing more than reviews based on the music of famous pop stars. Bleh. But then came Spamalot and Dirty Rotten Scoundrals. The drama field seemed to be particularly strong, especially with a revival of one of my favorite plays of all time, “Glengary Glen Ross.”

But I will get to NYC soon and I will see Spamalot. I saw The Producers when it was huge with the original cast and I wont let this one pass me by. I loved Monty’s Python’s Holy Grail movie and if the lyrics from the first act closer are any indication, the musical may be even better:

ARTHUR:
Have you heard of this “Broadway?”

ROBIN:
Yes sire…and we don’t stand a chance there.

ARTHUR:
Why not?

ROBIN:
Because…Broadway is a very special place,
filled with very special people,
people who can sing and dance, often at the same time!
They are a different people, a multi-talented people,
a people…who need people…and who are, in many ways, the
luckiest people in…the world. I’m sorry sire, but we don’t stand a chance.

ARTHUR:
But why?

ROBIN:
Well…let me put it like this.

In any great adventure,
that you don’t want to lose,
victory depends upon the poeple that you choose.
So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news:
We won’t succeed on Broadway,
If you don’t have any Jews.

You may have the finest sets,
Fill the stage with penthouse pets,
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes.
You my dance and you may sing,
But I’m sorry, Arthur king,
You’ll hear no cheers,
Just lots and lots of boos.

ENSEMBLE:
Boo.

ROBIN:
You mahve have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore,
You may even have some animals from zoos,
Though you’ve holes and krauts instead,
You may have unlevened bread,
But I tell you, you are dead,
If you don’t have any Jews.

They won’t care if it’s witty,
or everything looks pretty,
They’ll simply say it’s shitty and profuse.
Nobody will go, sir,
If it’s not kosher then no show, sir,
Even Goyem won’t be dim enough to choose!
Put on shows that make men stare,
With lots of girls in underwear,
You may even have the finest of reviews.

CRITIC:
You’re doing great!

ROBIN:
The audience won’t care, sir,
As long as you don’t dare, sir,
To open up on Broadway
If you don’t have any Jews.

You may have dramatic lighting,
Or lots of horrid fighting,
You may even have some white men sing the blues!
Your knights might be nice boys,
But sadly we’re all goys,
And that noise that you call singing you must lose.

So, despite your pretty lights,
and naughty girls in nasty tights,
and the most impressive scenery you use…
You may have dancing mana-mano,
You may bring on a piano,
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don’t have any Jews!

You may fill your play with gays,
Have Nigerian girls in stays,

GIRLS:
You may even have some schizas making stews!

ROBIN:
You haven’t got a clue,
If you don’t have a Jew,
All of your investments you are going to lose!

There’s a very small percentile,
Who enjoys a dancing gentile,
I’m sad to be the one with this bad news!
But never mind your swordplay,
You just won’t succeed on Broadway,
You just won’t succeed on Broadway,
If you don’t have any Jews!

Arthur, can you hear me?

To get along on Broadway,
To sing a song on Broadway,
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose,
I tell you, Arthur king,
There is one essential thing…
There simply must be, simply must be Jews.

There simply must be,
Arthur trust me,
Simply must be Jews.

8 thoughts on “Men and Spam

  1. “10pm to 24am Happy Hour”*snickering at the weirdness of the world*”My friend cooked herself good in baby oil.”There’s no part of that I don’t like.

  2. hahahahahahaha. John. snicker snicker.Bryon sorry you roasted to death in the heat. I feel the pain of your lobster bakedness. Until I learned my lesson hardcore by the still-present scars on my shoulders from when I had 2nd degree burns from NO sunscreen – I use SPF 45 no matter what. thankfully some freckles still seem to show up…so I’m not totally cancer-free.

  3. I was a tanner in the old days before the sun became any enemy of the masses. But, by design, certain parts were neglected. I hit college and got a month free at a tanning salon. “Cool, I thought “now I can tan those parts neglected by design.” I burned, lo, torched those parts. Went to class and had to sit on one of those parts. Later that weel, the sitting part began to peel and produced a colossal itch that seemed to act up the worst as I shiffled coffee and baklava at a Greek restaurant I worked at. The one where the owner, Lampros, told me to sit on his lap because he had a roll of quarters for me. “More like a roll of dimes, I thought, as I scimmed food and beer after he left.” I didn’t know about sexual harrassment laws at that point either.And yes, Hugh Jackman is not gay and a fine (booty) reason to tune in to the Tonys. Sweety, you don’t have to defend your reasoning just because of JR and that White guy. They’re just jealous of your overt guyness. I’ve heard rumors that JR sleeps with a teddy bear named Boo-Boo and White still believes in the Easter Bunny.

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