From behind the lines

I’m looking over at Becky right now wondering if I should hold her or finish the last 100 or so words to make my writing goal for the day. We’re back from a movie and she’s feeling the remains of her entire life slipping away fast as the baby approaches. I’m sure that when the baby arrives it will make this all seem worth it, but right now we’re both kind of scared and pissed. I know people have commented on my crassness at the blog posts about how I view the baby right now, but I’m not going to spread whitewash bullshit here just to try and make myself sound better. I realize this is probably not the most endearing attitude to have a few days before our first child arrives, but what am I supposed to do about it?

The worst part right now is trying to make Becky feel better. I’m torn between hating to see her suffer and wanting to do anything to make her smile and being very lazy and selfish. I mean the first thing I thought of when I heard some people are in labor for multiple days was how I was going to stem off the boredom. Even as I right this I know its from the POV of someone without kids. I really do get that my life is going to change and that the baby is going to be the best thing to ever happen to me, but how do I explain that to my pregnant wife who is feeling old and fat and tired and just wants to have a glass of wine and dance like a college girl?

Some people may think that sounds horrible and that maybe she should just grow the hell up, and I might even be one of those people at times, but I look at myself and I’m no innocent myself. I’m going to get off very easy in this siuation since I will probably be at work during the most difficult times while raising this baby.

Why am I writing this then? Well, part of me just wants to document every honest emotion I have about this baby even if it’s not always happy. But I’m also looking for someone to tell me it’s okay to be scared to death and kind of angry and utterly confused. I want someone to tell me that it’s okay if my wife is not totally on board with this all right now that she’ll come around when she has the baby in her arms. I want somebody to tell me I’m not alone out here and that even though it may seem like it right now I’m not really an asshole and I’m not going to totally fuck up my life or my baby’s life.

Hollaback my people.