A DAY IN THE LIFE (Originally posted at the Mystery Circus)

7:00 a.m.- Wake to find assassin in bedroom.

7:05 – Offer wife as sacrifice to assassin

7:15 – Wife realizes what’s going on, draws large handgun from underneath her side of the bed and shoots assassin twice in the head. I head to the bathroom to pee.

7:30 – Wife calls me a sissy for not killing assassin, recommends I grow a set.

8:30 – Testicles taken with wife in velvet lined purse off to work with her, I head to bar to drink the day away.

9:00 – Another assassin shows up at bar dressed like an Amish farmer, tries to kill me with poisoned-tipped pitchfork.

9:05- Harrison Ford and a small creepy boy rush to my rescue and dispatch assassin. Ford offers the whole house a free round, bartender bills it to me, I sneak out the bathroom window.

9:30 – Arrive at junior high school to pick on people smaller than me. Throwdown with a fat seventh grader who calls my wife a vaccum cleaner.

9:45 – Fat seventh grader pulled from me by a laughing principal, carted off by police to local jail.

9:45 – Thursday – Wait for wife to arrive with bail money

Saturday – Wife leaves with children and attractive Portuguese pool boy for Mexico.

Sunday – Cry. Killed in jail by roving gang of thugs.

Happy Valentine’s Day!